I was 10 years old when I first felt like a fraud.

People were making a big deal out of my voice. But all I did was open up and sing. It didn’t feel like that big of a deal. But once everyone decided it was special, it stopped being simple.

Somewhere along the way, praise started to feel like exposure.

As the years went on, I found myself chasing perfection and never feeling quite good enough.

In the last few years I’ve worked really hard to let good be good enough. I try to let my favorite John Steinbeck quote ground me when I feel perfectionism creeping in:
“And now that you don’t have to be perfect, you can be good.”

But the last couple weeks,vacillating between hyper-productivity and burnout, struggling to keep a healthy routine, feeling inflamed and exhausted,that old familiar feeling has resurfaced.

Imposter syndrome never seems to arrive quietly. It’s more like getting into your car and the radio is already at full blast….piercing and impossible to ignore.

I’m wearing multiple hats. Navigating aggressive timelines for multiple businesses. Managing a household. Releasing music into the world. Recording the audiobook of a poetry collection after putting it off for nearly three years. Juggling single motherhood. Figuring out how to pay for medical issues.

There is no denying…it is a lot.

When I’m overwhelmed, I don’t see stress. I translate it into deficiency. Not good enough. Not strong enough. Not lovable enough.

Sometimes I even scoff at the idea that I “do it all.” You want to know how I do it all?
I don’t.

If people could see me right now……the laundry piles, the missed emails, the abandoned paperwork, the moments I collapse and just cry after school drop-off…. they might think otherwise.

But I’m getting better at cutting that voice off mid-sentence.

Lately I’ve been wondering something different.

What if this isn’t me being a fraud?

What if it’s recalibration?

All living things strive for homeostasis. When conditions change, systems adjust. When load increases, the body compensates.

And in this season of trying to feel more at home in my own body… what if my nervous system was just doing the same?

What if what feels like chaotic dysregulation is actually adjustment? What if the discomfort is data?

I get accused of overthinking a lot. But when I zoom out and look for patterns…. when I connect the micro to the macro, something inside me settles. If it’s connected to something larger, then I’m connected. Then I’m not untethered.

So I run these little thought experiments…..

If I was an animal or some other organic life form… would I experience imposter syndrome?

A flower does not worry about another flower having prettier blooms. The moss keeps mossing… the sloth keeps …..well, you get the point.

Maybe hesitation isn’t insecurity at all. Maybe it’s an invitation to recalibrate with intention … a pause before expanding into a new baseline.

What if the sloth is slow
Not out of timidity
But out of strategy

And what if the young bird hesitates
To assess conditions
Not to require permissions

And the wolf submitting?
Is not a signal of feeling unworthy
But fitting for preserving
Harmony.